happy fucking mothersday

I have been a little upset lately and I keep seeing all these posts about mothers day and it makes me even more upset. Why am I upset you ask? Its because of thoughts that are going through my head. I hate my mother, a bit harse I know, but I just cant forgive her just because she no longer alive. It's the same reason I have yet to get her an urn, because I just cant get over the shit she did to me that im having to deal with as I type this.

Don't get me wrong I loved her. Or at least I loved the person she was before the drugs got her and the person she could have been if she had just gotten that monkey as they call it off her back. But in the end she chose the drugs and lost it all putting pain into my heart that I thought I could never know.

I had been bothered and before the last week I didnt know why. It wasnt until I was on facebook reading my aunt comment about how the daughter father dance at my cousins wedding haunted her. About how it made her realize her mother was not there to share it and how her own daughter would not get to experince that because her father had died. At that moment the scene flooded back to me. Us both breaking down crying and I trying to hold on because I was filming the wedding. It made me think about the fact that at my wedding I will not have anyone to give me away not because of differences or distance but because I dont have any parents to be there. Each time I think about it, each time I go to a wedding, I cant help but cry to know that no matter what I do I cant have that. I cry as I write this.

I think another thing that brought this to the front is the fact I am now being sued by one of the many companys my mom ran a bill up in my name that I now have to deal with. It could also be the fact that my fathers birthday;the annaversery of my mothers death, just recently passed on april 6th. Even after 4 years I cant forgive her. I hope someday to not break out in tears about her. Ive learned to hide it well and even hold that sobbing on the inside but there is only so much that I can take.


To the rest of you good mothers happy mothers day.